Cloaked Critic Reviews Legend of Atlantis

!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!

About a year ago, I had the very strange fortune to stumble upon this odd flick on Youtube. When I first saw it I was left totally puzzled; partly by its title, partly by its dated appearance, and largely by the fact that I'd never heard of it before. The movie is called "The Legend of Atlantis", and it's a Golden Films production released back in 2004...short of that there wasn't a whole lot else I could find on this thing. However the fact that it's a Golden Films title speaks volume in and of itself.

For those unfamiliar with the name, Golden Films is an American production company most "famous" as being one of the many which rose to a minute level of notoriety by effectively riding the coattails of Walt Disney. Much like the Disney company, Golden Films made their way adapting old folk tales and public domain stories into low-scale animated films released on home video and aired as family-friendly fodder for public television. Turns out these suckers have A LOT of these of low-budget knockoffs out in circulation, and it's not just Disney that they feel inclined to "borrow" from. They have even ripped off other famed filmmakers and companies like Don Bluth and Dreamworks; having adapted such titles as "Anastasia" and "The Prince of Egypt" (renamed "A Tale of Egypt" to no doubt to avoid copyright disputes). This shameless amount of retreading eventually led to Disney trying to sue them back in the 90's after a string of Disney productions ended up in direct competition with Golden Films' less expensive featurettes for the home video market...but since Disney and Golden Films both have a habit of borrowing immensely from the wide pool of public domain source material Disney inevitable lost the case (not that I have any sympathy for them).

If there's one thing that definitely sets Golden Films' movies apart from Disney however it's that they are family-friendly to the EXTREME. I mean Disney has always been associated with family-friendly "wholesomeness", but at least they have the guts to get a little ballsy from time to time and do something daring. Golden Films is not that brave. They're movies are so G-rated I'd bet they'd make Walt Disney himself wanna barf!

I gotta say, I kinda had a hard time placing this low-key production. It seemed like it was trying (very badly) to be a disjointed amalgamation of other more successful films like "Atlantis: The Lost Empire", "Pocahontas", "Aladdin", and "The Prince of Egypt" with perhaps just a slight touch of older cartoon series like "Pirates of Dark Water" and "He-Man"...albeit with a far less original and less engaging story than any of the aforementioned.

As much as I hate to be a nit-picky bastard (jk, that's my whole reason for living) the pacing for this movie is just all over the place. I mean from the very beginning we're just sort of catapulted in with not even the slightest inkling of exposition. One unexplained thing after another is just sort of tossed in our faces without even a whisper of what, who, or why? Not even a good 7 minutes into the picture I found myself saying "WTF" when some ghost lady just strolled up on the beach and started talking to the queen right out of nowhere like it was just commonplace everyday interaction, and then the scene just transitions without any explanation leaving me with more questions than answers (which remain unanswered by film's end). The whole story plays out more like a TV pilot than an actual movie. It feels like they were trying to condense a story that was meant to be fleshed out over the course of multiple episodes...which probably wouldn't have been too terrible an idea.

The movie's fantastical attempt to capture the rich allure of the mysterious Atlantian culture aside, the story is anything but grandiose. It's pretty much about as standard as standard can be; which wouldn't have been so bad if the exact same could not be said for the characters as well. At this point, I think it's worth noting that many stories, both old and new; including the popular ones which have risen to a point of cultural acclaim share the unfortunate truth of being none too fresh or original. A lot of stories we love and have grown up with down through the years have been little more than rehashed versions of much older fables and legends, but the little things we add to them can make a world of difference; the greatest of these being the unique quirks and eccentricities of the characters who appear in said stories. A good plot can make for a good story, but no matter how good the plot, a story is only as memorable as its characters. This is true across all mediums regardless of whether we're talking about books, movies, television, or games. If your characters are bland then your story will be bland---regardless of how solid the plot is. Just take a moment to imagine how vapid and stale most Disney films would be if it weren't for the quirky iconic characters that made them a hit...and after you've done that you will have a pretty decent idea of what this movie was like.

If you've read my review for the animated adaptation of "The King and I" then you might remember when said the main baddie from that film was like a discount Jafar, but at least the Kralahome still had a somewhat distinct personality all his own (as well as a silly sidekick to boot). The main bad guy in this movie is more like a discount DIET version of Jafar. He's just a power-mad evil advisor who wants to the power to control nature and rule the world. Beyond that there's really nothing special to say about him. He's just a power-hungry prick...with a stupid haircut! Hell, come the film's climax he even turns into a giant red demon...just like a certain Disney villain!! No wonder they tried to sue you guys!!!

I'm not sure whether the king in this story is naive or just a flat-out stupid. It's like his wife was the only thing keeping his head out of his ass. Hell, this guy's more of a pushover than the Sultan of Agrabah...at least he had the excuse of being hypnotized. Are we seriously supposed to take this guy seriously or sympathize with him when he's so dumb until he clearly doesn't realize when he's being manipulated or that waging war with nature is a substantially BAD IDEA?!

Among the many things the movie does to try and accentuate the fantasy appeal is to enlist the tried true trope of talking animal sidekicks. Now while it's true that talking animals in fantasy are one of the oldest fairytale cliches around I think it's worth noting that talking animals in and of themselves do not inherently make a story better. The dialogue for a character (bestial, or otherwise) should have purposeful meaning, and should not just be there to serve as pointless padding. In other words, talking animal characters are only worth their salt when they actually have something to say which is useful to the plot, but if that's not the case then they really need to shut the fuck up. Even if you intend for them to be comedy relief, you should dedicate effort to giving them just enough to say at just the right time to capitalize on the humor of any given situation. Comedy is like poetry. There is a style and an art to it. You can't just have a random character blabbing out ill-timed uninspired drivel and call it comedy! Either write your material to work entwine with the situational humor of the scene or just don't have them talk at all! Comedy doesn't require verbal commentary to elicit laughter anyhow. Just look at Pink Panther and Wile E. Coyote!

This is definitely a princess story to be sure (arguably more so than many classic and Renaissance-era Disney films). It's borderline cute how they straight-up steal the romance from Disney "Pocahontas", but turn it around where the man is the scantily-clad savage while the princess is the outsider from the "civilized world"...and as for this movie's brave and bold princess, I think this song from my childhood sums her up pretty nicely... www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJrud9…  

About the only real credit I'll give this movie is that they didn't try to alter history like certain other low-budget animated knockoffs I can think of (*COUGH* "The Legend of Titantic"). Atlantis does indeed sink by the end of this film. It is sunk by the hand of ignorant bias and selfish hubris...and a giant red demon. What? You were expecting an insightful ending with a purposeful meaning and a strong moral? This is a cheap-ass Disney ripoff! You got what you paid for!